Redefining Success In Emma Seligman's 'Shiva Baby'

“Have you visited any colleges?” “How’s your SAT going?” “Do you have a boyfriend?” “Has anyone asked you to prom?” 

I remember standing in my living room just last year at my grandmother's shiva, being bombarded with millions of questions, none of which I had the answer to. Why do they care? I thought. How does this affect them? These people are all my close friends and family, and I know they simply have my best interests in mind, but in that moment, it felt like I was failing a test of expectations.

In my Jewish experience, I learned quickly that there’s a specific set of questions to expect at every family gathering, and it changes as you grow up: What are you studying? What internships are you applying for? Are you seeing anyone? The questions usually come from a place of care, but they end up swallowing you with anxiety. The film Shiva Baby, directed by Emma Seligman, captures that feeling perfectly, turning a traditional mourning ritual into one of the most stressful afternoons imaginable.

The movie's protagonist, Danielle, is a college student who attends a shiva with her parents. She’s immediately surrounded by relatives and family friends asking about her future. But things get more complicated when she runs into her ex-girlfriend and her current sugar daddy! Suddenly, for Danielle, the shiva becomes less centered on mourning and more about trying to keep her life from completely unraveling in a room full of people who think they know her. 

The setting feels extremely familiar: crowded, loud, and full of overlapping conversations having to do with the same thing. Food keeps appearing, people are moving in and out of rooms, and everyone seems overly involved in everyone else’s business. The film captures this environment so accurately that I can almost feel myself back in my living room at my grandma’s shiva. The authenticity is part of what makes the movie work so well, because the social pressure Danielle feels isn’t an exaggeration for many young, Jewish women. 

Shiva Baby is also a feminist critique of how young women’s lives are judged. Danielle’s anxiety isn’t just about getting caught in an awkward situation. It’s more so about the pressure to be seen as successful, stable, and respectable in front of her friends and family. But the margins of what’s considered successful and stable are narrow: A high-paying job and marrying a wealthy, Jewish man. Danielle’s secret relationship with an older man clashes with that expectation, and her ex-girlfriend complicates things even more. The film quietly points out how limited the acceptable choices for young Jewish women can feel, especially when a room full of adults is evaluating every life decision you’ve made.

Shiva Baby illustrates both the warmth of people gathering together and the intensity of being constantly judged by that very community. Danielle is surrounded by people who love and care about her, but that tight-knit community leaves no room for hiding.

By the end of the movie, the shiva becomes a metaphor for what it feels like to grow up in a community where everyone is so invested in your future. Shiva Baby highlights how figuring out who you are and who you want to be is already hard enough, but doing it in a room full of high expectations can make it nearly impossible. In today’s rapidly changing society, moments like these make it feel like we are getting stuck in the past. Success shouldn’t be defined by how prestigious or high-paying your job is, but by having the confidence to do what you love, no matter what that looks like. Stability shouldn’t be defined by marrying a wealthy, Jewish man, but by loving whomever you want, regardless of gender, race, or religion.